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Emotional Distance and 'Other-Lifing' - In Yourself and in Relationships
What is other-lifing? I would describe other-lifing as a way in which a person is seeking an escape from their current reality. Perhaps there is a feeling of dissatisfaction with what is going on. Other-lifing is a way to get out of that day to day existence without making the often hard moves to change things. It's a form of alternate reality. An anxiety-pacifying way of seeing your life as just palatable enough to not face the pain of the unknown future. What are some examples of other-lifing? Examples can include excessive daydreaming, pornography usage, online, parasocial relationships, texting relationships with other people, and video games - especially virtual reality or role-playing games. Recently there has even been a growing trend in seeking relationships with AI chatbots. What are the dangers of other-lifing? It probably increases the risk of depression. Think of it as being like eating empty calorie food. The activities fill you up, but don't necessarily nourish you. They don't help with your growth, but instead replace healthier options. It's not that any of the examples above our inherently bad, but it's more of a question of what activities aren’t happening instead? The depression can come from knowing at a certain level that the other-lifing activities are only distracting from deeper problems. The longer the deeper problems go on, the more overwhelming they feel. This can further discourage change and only encourage the momentarily satisfying other-lifing. Are there any benefits of other-lifing? Potentially, other-lifing can be useful in situations in which you truly cannot change things. Examples would include being incarcerated, bedridden long term, or physically disabled. I would suggest a person intentionally wrestle with the question of how do these activities not distract from my current reality, but actually enhance it? What can I do to stop other-lifing? As I always say, the first and toughest step is recognition. I would recommend exploring with a therapist the actions and effects of this behavior. Big changes are daunting to make so perhaps there can be a middle step between recognition and action. (Book a therapy session here!) When you are feeling the itch to take an other-lifing action, resist the urge, pause, and instead stick with your mind and body in that moment. Without doing anything else, explore just what feelings arise in that moment. These could be emotions like irritation, anger, sadness, even boredom. Or the feelings could be physical, like a tightening in the chest or headache. If you can just stick with the feelings in that moment, try to observe where it is they take you. What thoughts do they cause? Do they bring a sense of fear to you? Do they seem threatening? This is important information. It can be of use in deciding what action to take next. What effect does other-lifing have on relationships? It should be no surprise to learn that other-lifing is damaging in relationships. If a person is disconnecting from their own life, then it will certainly come off as them disconnecting from you. If they are off in their own head (or in their own phone) an information vacuum can form. This is a space where we do not know what is going on, and we become anxious about it. So the anxious brain will inevitably fill that vacuum with worst case scenario thoughts. Anxiety is when we use ~80% of our mental energy to worry about ~1% possible outcomes. The most common probable conclusion is believing your partner is cheating on you. What can I do about other-lifing in my relationship? When your partner is other-lifing, a bit of a conspiracy of inaction can form. They don't want to address their dissatisfaction head on, so they withdraw. And you don't want to face the potential pain of what lies in that information vacuum, so you don't address it either. For similar reasons you can develop your own depression. Oops! So if they aren't going to do the hard thing and address the dissatisfaction then Plan A may be for you to. Be straightforward. Ask them what is going on in their mind, and push through any reflexive avoidance responses they give. Stress the importance of talking about it, and be a gnat. Push for couples counseling, a space for a non-bias third person to assist you. More info on couples counseling here. If that doesn’t work, shift to Plan B: do the opposite. This requires knowledge of the distancer-pursuer dynamic in relationships. The distancer is the person who values the energy of independence more in the relationship, and the pursuer the one who values the energy of connection more. Both people usually value those energies, but usually someone will value one more, so that energy becomes ‘theirs’ and the other energy ‘yours’. A partner who is distancing themselves is probably used to you pursuing connection with them. The more they withdraw, the more strongly you will pursue them as a consequence. It is the very reliability of you pursuing them - the knowledge that you will do the work of connection in the relationship - that encourages them to not give energy to connection. In an ideal relationship these energies are split somewhere near 50/50. But as time goes by, this split can start to approach near 0/100 proportions. So perhaps if they are other-lifing you need to just leave them to it. Go do your own thing, take care of your needs in other ways. This does not necessarily mean other-lifing yourself, but rather seeking out your own independence. Your own healthy hobbies. Your partner will begin to notice that you are not pursuing connection anymore. In this absence it will actually make sense to the more independent-minded person to want to pursue connection. They will feel the need themselves to rebalance things
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Why is acceptance important when it comes to managing a mental health diagnosis and living well with it?
Acceptance is important because if you are battling the diagnosis, then you are really only battling yourself. The longer you deny reality, the longer you put off the work of coping with things. I have found that acceptance can be a relief as well. If you know what it is that is going on with you, you can begin the journey of coping with it. How can psychoeducation help someone accept a diagnosis? We are not born knowing any of this. And sadly, due to mental health stigma and the differing priorities of the education system, we are not taught psychoeducation much either. Learning more about the diagnosis in particular and the mind in general can help make it all feel less overwhelming. How can support from others -- like peer support groups -- help someone accept a diagnosis? Support from peers, therapists, and even friends can be helpful in normalizing whatever the diagnosis is. With peers in particular, you can see that “oh, other people are like this as well, and they don’t seem as ‘crazy’ as I would’ve thought.” What else can someone do to work toward accepting a mental health diagnosis? Not take it TOO seriously. Diagnoses were created in part by the medical profession as a way to classify people. ‘OCD’ or ‘bipolar disorder', for example, are designed to be a shortcut for practitioners to understand the client’s situation at a glance. The mistake we often make is to turn it into a self label or a self identity. Whatever the diagnosis is, it is only one of many personal characteristics. What else to say about this topic? When I am working with clients and they tell me their diagnoses I try to avoid making assumptions about them. Rather I will often ask “what does that diagnosis mean to you?” I feel that is more important than knowing what the psychological world thinks it means about them. Click here to schedule a therapy appointment I was recently asked some questions about pathological liars. And here they are!
1. Is pathological lying a mental health disorder or is it a symptom of other disorders? Please explain. Not a mental health disorder, but more likely a symptom of some other things. A strong possibility is that the person had some traumatic events happen in their past. Usually in childhood. And as a consequence they developed the habit of lying as a way to protect themselves. Perhaps they grew up in a household where admitting guilt to even minor infractions was met with violent punishments. In that case lying would be the only logical thing for a kid to do to protect themselves. And as we find again and again in therapy, the adaptations of the kid stay the habits of the adult. 2. When it comes to pathological liars, are there any warning signs or red flags to look out for in the dating/getting-to-know-you process? Well if you can figure out a subtle way to do it, you can borrow a police detective strategy. When they tell you a story, ask for more details to fill in the picture. The more complex a story becomes, the harder it is to give details. Unless of course the story is true, then a person has actual details to draw on. 3. Can smaller lies ("white lies") also harm a relationship or erode trust? Yes, for sure. If they occur regularly it will inevitably create questions in the other person's mind such as "if they're lying about this stuff, then what else isn't true?" 4. If you think your partner may be lying to you about something, how should you approach the situation? And what happens if they double down on their lies? If you think they may be lying it could be best to help them explore why they are doing it. First you can show them that you care about them, and that they can be safe with you. Help them feel that though their lying hurts you, you want to work with them to help them get better. That may mean couples or individual therapy. The important thing is that the compulsion and its source are addressed. If they double down on their lies you may need to double down on your efforts above. "Battle" them back by showing extra love and safety. But if they triple and quadruple down then it may mean the relationship needs to end. Human beings seem to be unique in that we are the only species that can physically be in one place but mentally be else. Be that ruminating on the past or dreading the future. Either way when we are emotionally flooded our hormones are bombarding our mind and making us feel not present.
Common triggers for emotional flooding are situations we previously found stressful. If we are having an argument with our partner that feels similar to a previous argument, our frustration will increase and we will have the feeling of 'here we go again'. That here we go again feeling makes us feel trapped. Because if we had that feeling before and are having it again now, the anxious part of our mind assumes we will keep having that feeling. Emotional flooding in this case means panic! It is hormones that are the biological cause of emotional flooding. Hormones, chemical messengers such as adrenaline, are shooting throughout our mind and body when we are emotionally flooded. Left unchecked, to put it simply, we do stupid stuff. We say things that hurt our partner, or we take actions we cannot untake. Over time, resentment builds in the relationship. Think of emotional flooding as like being drunk. If you are under the influence, it's best not to drive a car or make big decisions. We are not our best selves when drunk. But when alcohol wears off, we can think straight again. The same is true with these hormones. When you are emotionally flooded try your best to remove yourself from the situation. The tried and true technique of walking away to calm down still works. Once you have calmed down, and if your partner has as well, circle back to the argument. You can let them know why you walked away, and why you believe it was for the benefit of the relationship. Having these conversations when hormonally "sober" can lay the groundwork for better future arguments. So next time the fight comes up you can say some version of "hey, I think we are getting emotionally flooded right now. I don't want to lose connection with you, so for the health of our relationship, let's give each other some space." |
AuthorPhilip Monte Verde LMSW Categories
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