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Vulnerability is actually a way to keep safe. This may sound completely paradoxical to you. Because it seems like, if we see life simply as cause and immediate effect, vulnerability is always a dumb move. If you were to share something deep about yourself, there is a nonzero chance that someone could make you feel bad about it in response. But if you don’t share, then there is zero chance that they do.
But that math only works for the moment. If you continue to not share, eventually your potential partners will be incredibly put off. How can they know they can trust you with their heart if they know nothing of substance about you? So vulnerability will keep you safe long term. It’s like putting money in a 401k. The more you share, the more comfortable the other person becomes. And the more comfortable they become, the more likely they are to want to keep you safe
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We are in a masking arms race over the feelings we have and what we are showing the world. An arms race starts when one group feels their safety is at risk. So they build a defense. The other group sees those defenses built, feels their safety is at risk, and builds larger defenses. It’s how we go from sticks and stones to thermonuclear weapons.
There is a standard in our culture that says we should not show our true selves to the world. That it is important to act like an adult, even tho adults don't exist and we certainly don’t think we are one. We have to fake it, our reputation is at stake. We see the defenses, the mask that the other person is wearing, and that sets the bar. Inside we may be hurt, insecure, unconfident, but we can’t show ourselves being below the bar. So we put on a more convincing mask. We make the facade look better on Instagram, and we save the crying for the car or bed. Every time we fail to show vulnerability we make the problem worse for everyone. Every fake action we take is another weapon placed in the stockpile. And then everyone else sees the new defense and says ok well I better fake it even stronger now. |
AuthorPhilip Monte Verde LMSW 
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February 2026
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