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Another anonymous emailer says: “I have a couple of friends that I go out to drink with sometimes. I noticed that when we are quite a few drinks in we will start telling each other how much we love each other. That never happens when we're sober. Why is that? Do they really mean it?”
Thanks Anon. My thinking on this is it has to do with vulnerability. Alcohol, for better or worse, reduces activity in the brain’s prefrontal cortex. That's our command center, the area we use to make our judgement calls. It also dampens the cortex's friend in the back of the head, the amygdala. That's our brain part responsible for keeping on the lookout for threats. The more we drink, the lower our inhibition. It sounds that, like most people, you and your friends have trained those parts of the brain to play it safe when it comes to outpourings of emotion. The rougher our childhoods (say if we endured abuse, trauma, or bullying), the more conservative that part of the brain will have adapted to be. You and your friends clearly love each other. That's fantastic. And I don't think it's disingenuous. I think we are scared to show these emotions when we are in our ‘right mind’ because there is a risk attached to them. If I say I love you and you don't say it back, I will be devastated. So people won't take the risk of saying such things when sober. Instead we will drop hints and be indirect about it. But I say be bold. If you have a feeling a friend loves you, and you them, tell them so. Best case scenario it's a thing that you can be open about. If not, at least you can weed them out of your life. Write me here!
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More questions, let's dive in.
How would you define a toxic parenting trait/behaviors? Why do certain parenting traits leave children feeling hurt, confused, or even traumatized? We can do harm, we can have a neutral effect, and we can be of benefit to our children. Toxic parenting traits/behaviors are actions we regularly take that harm our children. When these actions or ways of being make a child feel they are unsafe, unstable, and need to act in an inauthentic way to avoid pain, maladaptations are sure to follow. These maladaptations are skewed ways of viewing the world that the child then takes into adulthood. That sets them up to fail. What are some traits/behaviors that parents should avoid? First, telling a child they need to "get over" their pain, or telling them they shouldn't be upset because "it could be worse." This teaches a child that their experience isn't of value, that others can't be trusted with their emotions, and that they need to go it alone in life. Second, guilt trips. A guilt trip is a way of telling a child that they need to behave differently in order to gain your approval. The child takes on the message that they are a bad kid, and that only in doing things for other people can they be good again. This creates a people pleaser. What should parents do if they identify some of these traits or behaviors in themselves? How can they work on avoiding them, while also being compassionate toward themselves and their children? A parent who is able to identify these traits in themselves has already done the more difficult third of the battle. Next you should work to identify the reasons you act in that toxic way and question its effect. From there it is a matter of working to catch yourself when you are about to act that way. Working with a therapist can help, hint hint. If you mess up, it's ok to apologize to your child, and it’s ok to forgive yourself too. - Questions you want answered? Feed me here. |
AuthorPhilip Monte Verde LMSW 
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