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Another anonymous emailer says: “I have a couple of friends that I go out to drink with sometimes. I noticed that when we are quite a few drinks in we will start telling each other how much we love each other. That never happens when we're sober. Why is that? Do they really mean it?”
Thanks Anon. My thinking on this is it has to do with vulnerability. Alcohol, for better or worse, reduces activity in the brain’s prefrontal cortex. That's our command center, the area we use to make our judgement calls. It also dampens the cortex's friend in the back of the head, the amygdala. That's our brain part responsible for keeping on the lookout for threats. The more we drink, the lower our inhibition. It sounds that, like most people, you and your friends have trained those parts of the brain to play it safe when it comes to outpourings of emotion. The rougher our childhoods (say if we endured abuse, trauma, or bullying), the more conservative that part of the brain will have adapted to be. You and your friends clearly love each other. That's fantastic. And I don't think it's disingenuous. I think we are scared to show these emotions when we are in our ‘right mind’ because there is a risk attached to them. If I say I love you and you don't say it back, I will be devastated. So people won't take the risk of saying such things when sober. Instead we will drop hints and be indirect about it. But I say be bold. If you have a feeling a friend loves you, and you them, tell them so. Best case scenario it's a thing that you can be open about. If not, at least you can weed them out of your life. Write me here!
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More questions, let's dive in.
How would you define a toxic parenting trait/behaviors? Why do certain parenting traits leave children feeling hurt, confused, or even traumatized? We can do harm, we can have a neutral effect, and we can be of benefit to our children. Toxic parenting traits/behaviors are actions we regularly take that harm our children. When these actions or ways of being make a child feel they are unsafe, unstable, and need to act in an inauthentic way to avoid pain, maladaptations are sure to follow. These maladaptations are skewed ways of viewing the world that the child then takes into adulthood. That sets them up to fail. What are some traits/behaviors that parents should avoid? First, telling a child they need to "get over" their pain, or telling them they shouldn't be upset because "it could be worse." This teaches a child that their experience isn't of value, that others can't be trusted with their emotions, and that they need to go it alone in life. Second, guilt trips. A guilt trip is a way of telling a child that they need to behave differently in order to gain your approval. The child takes on the message that they are a bad kid, and that only in doing things for other people can they be good again. This creates a people pleaser. What should parents do if they identify some of these traits or behaviors in themselves? How can they work on avoiding them, while also being compassionate toward themselves and their children? A parent who is able to identify these traits in themselves has already done the more difficult third of the battle. Next you should work to identify the reasons you act in that toxic way and question its effect. From there it is a matter of working to catch yourself when you are about to act that way. Working with a therapist can help, hint hint. If you mess up, it's ok to apologize to your child, and it’s ok to forgive yourself too. - Questions you want answered? Feed me here. Anonymous in Rochester, New York asks: “I read your piece on people pleasing and really related to the parts on how our childhood sets us up as adults. Now that the damage has been done I find that I still struggle to hold boundaries with my needy parents. I have my own life to live but at the same time feel responsible to them. It is making me feel resentful. What can I do?”
First of all, congratulations on coming to the realization that this is an issue. Most people never do. Our tendency is to continue year in and year out to go through the motions and never really explore the feelings that are rising up. So having the guts to confront it and find its origin is an achievement. Childhood adaptation work is challenging because it first requires us to discern differences. The norm is to not question things because we don’t know that our childhood could have been different. It’s like asking a fish to describe water. How could it do so when there is nothing to contrast it to? They don’t know what air is. Talking over your childhood in therapy or exploring the experiences of childhood with friends can be jarring at first. Our background is all we have ever known, so some cognitive dissonance is sure to result. I call cognitive dissonance the wrecking ball because it swings back and forth in our head, banging against our skull. These newly unraveling feelings can, say, cause us to have negative thoughts about our parents. There is a temptation then to label them as bad but --bang-- You love them and remember all the times they were good to you but --bang-- You are resentful that they constantly ask you for more than you would like to give but --bang-- They did all these good things for you as a kid (and they don’t hesitate to remind you) so you’re the bad person but Bang. Back and forth the ball swings. This makes boundaries difficult. One day you feel staunchly that you need to cut them out of your life, that you have put your time in with them. You may then tell them so. While the wrecking ball is firmly on that side you can stick to that hard boundary, but then some time passes. In that time they wear you down with guilt trips and pressure. You may miss them. Plus you are used to it being the other way. The wrecking ball comes loose, bangs to the other side, and the boundary is lost. The answer is to see how things are more complicated than either side of your head is seeing it. We humans want clarity at all times and feel great anxiety when we don’t have it. So label your parents good or label them bad, as long as there is a label, is what we think. The truth is your parents, like you, are a complicated mix of good, bad, and everything else. The truth is many things are true, even when they are in conflict. My suggestion is work on accepting the cognitive dissonance. The swing won’t be calmed by holding desperately to one or the other conclusion. It will be calmed by accepting that the whole picture is complicated. Now we take that fresh, accepted, complex picture and consider what action to take. A boundary that is based on complexity is a more stable one. You will feel less emotional swing and will have an easier time sticking to it. Your parents may still push, poke, and manipulate to try and get you back into the old ways. But you will be in a more stable position and less likely to be moved far from your position. How they react is beyond your control. This is another important thing to accept. But hopefully they will see the rationality in all of it and come around. - Want your questions answered? Toss them in the box here. |
AuthorPhilip Monte Verde LMSW 
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