The Origins of Lying

Our first lie comes when we are little kids. At an early age we have perfect credibility with our parents. Say we want an extra piece of candy after being told no. In the past we took the candy, owned up to it when pressed, and got in trouble. This getting in trouble really hurt, so we were given an incentive not to get in trouble again. The harsher the punishment, the greater the pain. The greater the pain, the larger the incentive.

For a time we just obey the rules to avoid the pain and keep our parents' love. But one time we try something new, we try saying no we didn’t take the candy, even though we know we did. And it works. Our credibility pays off, they believe us, and we get to have the candy and avoid trouble. We have learned something new. 

But of course it doesn’t last long. The first lie was such a booming success that we tried lying again and again. Our parents catch on quick, and the abused credibility tanks.

This isn’t the end of it though. The first memory we have is of the success of the lie. And even if our credibility is low, we still do sometimes slip one past other people. We don’t usually stop lying, but we get better at it. The benefit of avoiding the short term pain of getting in trouble makes the risk worth pursuing. It is all about that short term thinking. In the medium and long term we damage relationships with lies. 

The pain still comes, but because it isn’t immediate, it doesn’t necessarily feel connected to the lying. The blame for the pain of the relationship damage can be fobbed off on other causes. It’s the other person’s fault. Or job stress. Or the kids. Or whatever. So there isn’t an incentive to avoid any particular lie.

People pleasers can be especially prone to lying. If we grew up with the conflicting desires both to feel safe and to sometimes get our way, lying would naturally become more alluring. 

The solution here may be to do the counterintuitive thing and get comfortable with short term pain. Being upfront about your actions, taking the immediate pain of the other person’s reaction, and holding in your mind a more long term perspective. This would involve remembering that rebuilding credibility is a process, one that will involve short term pain. Work through the original causes of lying. Get in trouble and find that unlike when you were a kid you can absorb the pain of it without being crushed.