Toxic Parenting Traits

More questions, let's dive in.

How would you define a toxic parenting trait/behaviors? Why do certain parenting traits leave children feeling hurt, confused, or even traumatized?

We can do harm, we can have a neutral effect, and we can be of benefit to our children. Toxic parenting traits/behaviors are actions we regularly take that harm our children. When these actions or ways of being make a child feel they are unsafe, unstable, and need to act in an inauthentic way to avoid pain, maladaptations are sure to follow. These maladaptations are skewed ways of viewing the world that the child then takes into adulthood. That sets them up to fail.

What are some traits/behaviors that parents should avoid?

First, telling a child they need to "get over" their pain, or telling them they shouldn't be upset because "it could be worse." This teaches a child that their experience isn't of value, that others can't be trusted with their emotions, and that they need to go it alone in life.

Second, guilt trips. A guilt trip is a way of telling a child that they need to behave differently in order to gain your approval. The child takes on the message that they are a bad kid, and that only in doing things for other people can they be good again. This creates a people pleaser.

What should parents do if they identify some of these traits or behaviors in themselves? How can they work on avoiding them, while also being compassionate toward themselves and their children?

A parent who is able to identify these traits in themselves has already done the more difficult third of the battle. Next you should work to identify the reasons you act in that toxic way and question its effect. From there it is a matter of working to catch yourself when you are about to act that way. Working with a therapist can help, hint hint.

If you mess up, it's ok to apologize to your child, and it’s ok to forgive yourself too.

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