People Pleasers
Understanding yourself, setting boundaries, finding balance
A people pleaser is a person who feels compelled to give more than they receive in any kind of relationship. Their default thinking will be some form of ‘what can I do to make people around me happy?’
Commonly, a people pleaser will have come from an unstable home environment. Perhaps they had a parent or caretaker who was an alcoholic, or for whatever reason would regularly come home in an angry mood. I have often heard people say something like “I never knew which version of my father would show up.” So they figured out early on that if they did things to please that adult, they could avoid getting hurt in some way.
This is a healthy adaptation at first. The child that does this is doing all that their undeveloped mind knows to protect themselves. The trouble is how a child learns to relate to the people around them becomes how they as an adult relate to people around them. Just because we turn eighteen or move away from our hometown, doesn’t mean our thinking changes. Whatever we believe worked as a child is what we are going to continue to believe at the start of adulthood.
Role of therapy in working with people pleasers
One of the main strengths of therapy is that you partner with a professional to focus specifically on your needs. So all those thoughts that run in a loop in your head instead get to find an exit. They get heard, they get addressed, they get reframed. Through collaboration with a therapist, you can get a different outlook.
A therapist will listen to your story to help you understand it in a new way.
More resources on people pleasing
A people pleaser is a person who feels compelled to give more than they receive in any kind of relationship. Their default thinking will be some form of ‘what can I do to make people around me happy?’
Commonly, a people pleaser will have come from an unstable home environment. Perhaps they had a parent or caretaker who was an alcoholic, or for whatever reason would regularly come home in an angry mood. I have often heard people say something like “I never knew which version of my father would show up.” So they figured out early on that if they did things to please that adult, they could avoid getting hurt in some way.
This is a healthy adaptation at first. The child that does this is doing all that their undeveloped mind knows to protect themselves. The trouble is how a child learns to relate to the people around them becomes how they as an adult relate to people around them. Just because we turn eighteen or move away from our hometown, doesn’t mean our thinking changes. Whatever we believe worked as a child is what we are going to continue to believe at the start of adulthood.
Role of therapy in working with people pleasers
One of the main strengths of therapy is that you partner with a professional to focus specifically on your needs. So all those thoughts that run in a loop in your head instead get to find an exit. They get heard, they get addressed, they get reframed. Through collaboration with a therapist, you can get a different outlook.
A therapist will listen to your story to help you understand it in a new way.
More resources on people pleasing
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