The discovery of an affair can make one partner feel like they have been shoved off the path you were traveling together.

The betrayed partner thought you both were traveling in the same direction, towards the same destination. Post-affair, the betrayed partner may feel as if they are suddenly on the dark forest floor, unsure of where they are, what happened to the path, and who their unfaithful partner is.

Coming back from this is a difficult and time-consuming process.

I offer individual and couples therapy in Rochester, NY and remotely for people navigating post-infidelity worlds.

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The aftermath of the affair

The betrayed partner is likely to feel a mix of shock, confusion, hurt, sadness, and anger. Because this is such a jolt, and so unlike what life was like before, their mind may ruminate over and over on what happened. It is common for the betrayed to ask the unfaithful partner to tell what happened in detail multiple times. Although this may appear counterproductive to the unfaithful partner, it makes sense as a way for the betrayed partner to understand what the new reality is.

Often times there is a feeling of relief, along with guilt, on the part of the unfaithful partner. Although life has been upended, the burden of the secret has been removed. This can lead to the unfaithful partner feeling impatience that the betrayed partner does not trust them again yet.

To stay or leave?

It is normal to be uncertain about staying together or breaking up. A lot of time and effort went into your relationship, you probably don’t want to just ‘throw it away.’ On the other hand the betrayal may be an act you always swore you would never stand for. All feelings are valid here and open for exploration.

Therapy is a space with a trained third party to help partners figure out where it is that they currently stand.

Can trust be rebuilt?

The short answer is maybe. For some couples the damage is too great. Some couples rebound fully, while others may spend a lifetime together without getting back to 100% trust. I find it best not to think of trust as either ON or OFF. Better to think of it as a percentage that increases with time and effort.

Additionally, trust is not regained the same way it is broken. Though steps can be taken to reassure the betrayed partner that their partner has changed, faithfulness can never fully be proven. A lack of damming texts or gossip from friends does not prove that nothing is happening. Instead, trust is largely regained by showing the betrayed partner that this new you is a reliable person.

How therapy can help

Therapy (whether individual or couples) can help first of all by establishing what the current reality is. This is accomplished by exploring the affair, how things changed, and how they haven’t. From there goals can be set, be they staying together, splitting up, or some other arrangement entirely.

As part of the repair, it can be helpful to establish openly what exactly the shared definition of cheating is. Couples often assume coming in that you already have the same definition, but this is not always so. Getting on the same page can help ensure this pain does not occur again.