Relationships break down when a predictable pattern forms and plays out over and over. This pattern leaves each partner feeling unseen, unsafe, and alone. Communication may be happening, but listening not so much. Therapy is a place to understand those patterns and to break them.

A good therapist doesn’t play referee or judge, but rather helps partners find common ground and compromise. Sometimes this may mean the therapist needs to be a translator, helping partners interpret what is being said. At other times the therapist may just need to help negotiations.

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Common deadlocks relationships get stuck in

• Pursuer/withdrawer: one person pursues connection and resolution more quickly, while the other shuts down or needs more time.

• The same basic fight (facts vs feelings) : this week’s fight may be about the dishes or money or in-laws, but emotionally it is the same fight as last week.

• Resentment from emotional labor: one partner does more of the emotional work to keep the relationship along while the other allows themselves to be pulled along.

• Tone fights: what is said ceases to matter, we are just mad at how it was said.

• Repair failure: you get what the problem is, but don’t know how to make up. Apologies stop working because it just happens again.

• Trust broken: affairs, cheating, lying, or misleading causes one person to lose trust in the other

• Sex drive mismatch: one wants it more than the other.

• Parenting stress: intimacy is lost, stress grows, and you just wish your partner would do parenting your way.

• ENM issues: problems navigating agreements that either aren’t formalized or weren’t enthusiastically agreed to. Trouble navigating jealousy or boundaries.

• Compatibility questions: the persistent feeling that maybe you just aren’t right for each other.

What sessions are like

All clients are given a chance to give their perspective on the relationship. Priority isn’t given towards figuring out who is “right,” or even at first as to what the solutions are. But rather the therapy space is a place to help the therapist and each other understand your perspective in a controlled environment.

Arguments are encouraged. There is no sense in being on your ‘best behavior’ for the therapist. Better instead to show how you really are inside the home because that is the dynamic we are trying to work on.

From there we can help understand what the patterns are and what we all can do about it as a group. Sometimes our partner just needs to hear what you’ve been saying all along a little differently.

Most couples start weekly in order to build momentum, and then can taper off from there. Many couples find periodic ‘maintenance’ sessions to be especially helpful.

Outcomes

• Fewer blowups, shorter shutdowns, quicker repair

• Less having to mind-read, better able to be direct

• Clearer agreements and improved follow-through

• Less resentment buildup

• Greater emotional safety