Setting Boundaries While Maintaining Relationships
Philip Monte Verde LCSW
They say good fences make good neighbors. In the same way, boundaries can benefit the other person as much as you. Especially if the boundaries also have gates.
Think of your life as a grassy field. Those few acres are your own and your neighbors are your closest family, friends, and coworkers. Without fences on the boundaries, we all spill into each other.
For example, say you have a friend who is emotionally unloading on you. You find that it is taking up a lot of your energy and that they only seem to be getting worse from the unloading. This is a relationship with no boundaries, no fence line. It is possible that such strain could cause the whole friendship to explode, leaving you both worse off.
If we listen to pop psychology about boundaries we may be told ‘just cut them off.’ Sometimes cutting off may be necessary, but usually that is too harsh or too impractical. They are still your metaphorical neighbor after all. A fence with an open gate instead provides order to the relationship.
In practice this can look like “hey I am pretty swamped with stuff, but if you want we can talk later this week about things.” This tells them that they don’t just have open access to your field at all times. But in this way you are guiding them up the fenceline to the open gate you have set. This shows that you still care, while also doing things on your terms.
This can be more beneficial for the other person than messy or unset boundaries. If they know they can connect with you under specific conditions, it can help make things organized and predictable for them. By always meeting them at the gate you have specified, you are able to give sustainably to the relationship.
Damage can be done when there isn’t consistency to the placement of the gates. You may have heard mixed messages from friends or parents. They can vary from “you can always come to me” to “you are too much for me.” This is inconsistent boundary setting on their part. They set you up to believe the gate is in one place, and when you approach it you find a fence instead.
Children of narcissistic or self-absorbed parents often encounter these inconsistencies. And with a poor model of fence and gate placement, they may grow up to struggle to set boundaries themselves.
One final word on boundaries: you have to uphold them yourself too. When you first place your fences, you have to expect that they will be tested. It may not be malice so much as it is people are just used to being able to roam freely into your field. They will probably not like the boundaries because it requires a change. You must insist on the placement of the fences, and inform them of where the gates are. There will be an adjustment period, but as long as you stand firm you will often find that people adapt.
And if they don’t, you may have to lock the gates.
