Why Do I Hide My Partner’s Abuse From My Friends?

Philip Monte Verde LCSW

Dear Philip, even though my partner can be controlling, I am finding that I hide this more and more from my friends. Why is this?

It sounds like you are stuck in a tough spot. Early on, if your partner is mistreating you it is natural to open up to your friends about it. You want to get their perspectives about it, and it can be validating to hear that you are not in the wrong. At this point your friends may be wary about the relationship you are in, but are holding back their opinions to see how it plays out.

As time goes by and you come to them again with your struggles, they may shift from the validating “that was wrong of your partner” to the more action-oriented “you should break up with them.” This is something you are not yet ready for.

At this point you know the relationship is not going well. You see good in your partner that your friends haven’t been exposed to. You know that if you bring more negative to them, they may press you even further about breaking up.

This is a challenging moment in the relationship for you. Sure, it’s possible that your dream can come true in that your partner changes, your friends see the change, and everyone lives happily ever after. But you are in the isolated middle ground of having to figure out how to do it on your own, with a resistant partner and a distanced support network.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Though some friends may take a hard stance, others may be open-minded. You can communicate with them to help you work through being torn about things. Or just to lend a friendly ear.

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If you are struggling to process difficult relationships, are questioning, your judgement, or find yourself struggling to set boundaries, individual therapy can be beneficial. To setup an appointment or submit a question, feel free to reach out here.