Emotional Distance and 'Other-Lifing'

Emotional Distance and 'Other-Lifing' - In Yourself and in Relationships

What is other-lifing?

I would describe other-lifing as a way in which a person is seeking an escape from their current reality. Perhaps there is a feeling of dissatisfaction with what is going on. Other-lifing is a way to get out of that day to day existence without making the often hard moves to change things. It's a form of alternate reality. An anxiety-pacifying way of seeing your life as just palatable enough to not face the pain of the unknown future.

What are some examples of other-lifing?

Examples can include excessive daydreaming, pornography usage, online, parasocial relationships, texting relationships with other people, and video games - especially virtual reality or role-playing games. Recently there has even been a growing trend in seeking relationships with AI chatbots.

What are the dangers of other-lifing? 

It probably increases the risk of depression. Think of it as being like eating empty calorie food. The activities fill you up, but don't necessarily nourish you. They don't help with your growth, but instead replace healthier options. It's not that any of the examples above our inherently bad, but it's more of a question of what activities aren’t happening instead? The depression can come from knowing at a certain level that the other-lifing activities are only distracting from deeper problems. The longer the deeper problems go on, the more overwhelming they feel. This can further discourage change and only encourage the momentarily satisfying other-lifing.

Are there any benefits of other-lifing?

Potentially, other-lifing can be useful in situations in which you truly cannot change things. Examples would include being incarcerated, bedridden long term, or physically disabled. I would suggest a person intentionally wrestle with the question of how do these activities not distract from my current reality, but actually enhance it?

What can I do to stop other-lifing?

As I always say, the first and toughest step is recognition. I would recommend exploring with a therapist the actions and effects of this behavior. Big changes are daunting to make so perhaps there can be a middle step between recognition and action. 

(Book a therapy session here!)

When you are feeling the itch to take an other-lifing action, resist the urge, pause, and instead stick with your mind and body in that moment. Without doing anything else, explore just what feelings arise in that moment. These could be emotions like irritation, anger, sadness, even boredom. Or the feelings could be physical, like a tightening in the chest or headache. If you can just stick with the feelings in that moment, try to observe where it is they take you. What thoughts do they cause? Do they bring a sense of fear to you? Do they seem threatening? This is important information. It can be of use in deciding what action to take next.

What effect does other-lifing have on relationships?

It should be no surprise to learn that other-lifing is damaging in relationships. If a person is disconnecting from their own life, then it will certainly come off as them disconnecting from you. If they are off in their own head (or in their own phone) an information vacuum can form. This is a space where we do not know what is going on, and we become anxious about it. So the anxious brain will inevitably fill that vacuum with worst case scenario thoughts. Anxiety is when we use ~80% of our mental energy to worry about ~1% possible outcomes. The most common probable conclusion is believing your partner is cheating on you.

What can I do about other-lifing in my relationship?

When your partner is other-lifing, a bit of a conspiracy of inaction can form. They don't want to address their dissatisfaction head on, so they withdraw. And you don't want to face the potential pain of what lies in that information vacuum, so you don't address it either. For similar reasons you can develop your own depression. Oops! 

So if they aren't going to do the hard thing and address the dissatisfaction then Plan A may be for you to. Be straightforward. Ask them what is going on in their mind, and push through any reflexive avoidance responses they give. Stress the importance of talking about it, and be a gnat.  Push for couples counseling, a space for a non-bias third person to assist you.

More info on couples counseling here.

If that doesn’t work, shift to Plan B: do the opposite. This requires knowledge of the distancer-pursuer dynamic in relationships. The distancer is the person who values the energy of independence more in the relationship, and the pursuer the one who values the energy of connection more. Both people usually value those energies, but usually someone will value one more, so that energy becomes ‘theirs’ and the other energy ‘yours’.

A partner who is distancing themselves is probably used to you pursuing connection with them. The more they withdraw, the more strongly you will pursue them as a consequence. It is the very reliability of you pursuing them - the knowledge that you will do the work of connection in the relationship -  that encourages them to not give energy to connection. In an ideal relationship these energies are split somewhere near 50/50. But as time goes by, this split can start to approach near 0/100 proportions.

So perhaps if they are other-lifing you need to just leave them to it. Go do your own thing, take care of your needs in other ways. This does not necessarily mean other-lifing yourself, but rather seeking out your own independence. Your own healthy hobbies. Your partner will begin to notice that you are not pursuing connection anymore. In this absence it will actually make sense to the more independent-minded person to want to pursue connection. They will feel the need themselves to rebalance things