Pathological Lying

I was recently asked some questions about pathological liars. And here they are!

​1. Is pathological lying a mental health disorder or is it a symptom of other disorders? Please explain. 

Not a mental health disorder, but more likely a symptom of some other things. A strong possibility is that the person had some traumatic events happen in their past. Usually in childhood. And as a consequence they developed the habit of lying as a way to protect themselves. Perhaps they grew up in a household where admitting guilt to even minor infractions was met with violent punishments. In that case lying would be the only logical thing for a kid to do to protect themselves. And as we find again and again in therapy, the adaptations of the kid stay the habits of the adult.

2. When it comes to pathological liars, are there any warning signs or red flags to look out for in the dating/getting-to-know-you process? 

Well if you can figure out a subtle way to do it, you can borrow a police detective strategy. When they tell you a story, ask for more details to fill in the picture. The more complex a story becomes, the harder it is to give details. Unless of course the story is true, then a person has actual details to draw on.

3. Can smaller lies ("white lies") also harm a relationship or erode trust? 

Yes, for sure. If they occur regularly it will inevitably create questions in the other person's mind such as "if they're lying about this stuff, then what else isn't true?"

4. If you think your partner may be lying to you about something, how should you approach the situation? And what happens if they double down on their lies? 

If you think they may be lying it could be best to help them explore why they are doing it. First you can show them that you care about them, and that they can be safe with you. Help them feel that though their lying hurts you, you want to work with them to help them get better. That may mean couples or individual therapy. The important thing is that the compulsion and its source are addressed.

If they double down on their lies you may need to double down on your efforts above. "Battle" them back by showing extra love and safety. But if they triple and quadruple down then it may mean the relationship needs to end.