Shame and our secrets

There is a story that came out of the Russian Empire in the 18th Century, that golden age of the tsar. The story is about a man named Grigory Potemkin. Grigory was born in what then passed for a middle class and rose in the ranks of the army. A chance encounter saw him in the presence of the tsar who favored him and promoted him.

Grigory’s ascent continued. He lost his left eye at some point and that slowed him down temporarily, but he rebounded well enough. He killed some Turks in a war and everyone agreed he was a worthy man. So worthy in fact that Grigory was put in charge of the southern regions that Russia had won from those Turks.

Running a restive new frontier was hard work, and Grigory had every reason to want to show he was up for it. In 1787 the tsar decided to take a little trip to this region with some foreign ambassadors. This was the chance for Grigory to really shine.

So the story goes that the tsar’s barge would approach a village on the Dnieper River. Grigory, having gotten there ahead of them, had erected painted facades of buildings. These one walled facades like Wild West movie sets would face the river, with Grigory and his men dressed as peasants milling about them looking productive.

The barge would set sail and the “peasants” would hurry the facades further down the river to be erected at another sight. In this way, the tsar and all aboard got the message that Grigory Potemkin had pacified the wild frontier. That Russia was strong.

And so with this story ‘Potemkin Villages’ became a part of our vocabulary. It’s a term popular in economics and politics, but these facades can be found in our relationships too. Indeed sometimes they can be found in our very minds.

Say we are just starting to date someone. We dress nicely, groom ourselves, clean the place up, and generally give the best impression of us possible. Over time the real us is revealed, and so is the real them. It’s up to both people to either accept the other or move on.

But sometimes we don’t reveal all. It is common to find couples who months or years down the road have huge conflicts because of the revelation of things long hidden. Sometimes we don’t just put fresh coats of paint on our metaphorical villages, sometimes we instead erect and maintain facades.

It can be jarring when our partner finds out the truth. Relationships can end not because of what our partner discovered behind the facade - our shameful secrets - but because there were facades.

There is one more important element in the legendary story of Grigory Potemkin. The tsar at the time was not some bushy mustachioed Romanov man. The tsar in 1787 was Empress Catherine the Great. And Grigory Potemkin wasn’t just an upwardly mobile army man, he was her one time lover.

It’s next to impossible to analyze the thoughts and motivations of a man who died over 200 years ago. But for the sake of the story we could guess all sorts of things. Perhaps Grigory was desperate to win Catherine’s affection again. We know Grigory had suffered a dip in confidence after the loss of his eye and had retreated for a while from society. We could also imagine the frontiers of 18th Century Russia being a ruthless place and the pressures of running it to be overwhelming.

But perhaps also there were things in Grigory’s mind that he did not want to face. All of the above could have combined with some shameful secret of his own that he was carrying. He may have crafted facades for Catherine, the other army men, or for the European observers. Or perhaps his Potemkin Villages were a reflection of the facades in his own mind. Perhaps by winning the favor of his empress, the dignitaries, and his boys he could continue to avoid looking in the dark corners of his mind.

This happens frequently with people who have suffered trauma. Our mind seeks to protect us from heavy feelings. It’s a noble cause the mind is fighting for, but it has its costs. We put up facades around the stuff in our head we can’t bear to face. And we walk around those walls without daring to look through the windows to see the pain that lies behind.

The trouble is, what is concealed back there does not always stay still. What is behind there is like nuclear waste. It seeps out between the cracks and infects our day to day lives. It poisons our lives and our relationships, often in such subtle ways that we don’t know that it is the true cause.

It is definitely not easy to confront what is back there, or to tear down those facades. Few things are harder. But if you have those facades know that when you are ready that tearing them down can be worthwhile work.

Potemkin with the Battleship by Alexander Roitburd (2016)